Genesis 1:31

GOD SAW THAT ALL HE HAD MADE WAS VERY GOOD.
Genesis 1:31

I see these words and I want to cry.
For years I have slandered the creation of my God, the one Who has loved me like no other has.
For years I have looked down upon men.
It is hard when God brings light into your heart. Not easy at all.
This morning He rebuked me strongly. He made it clear that men are part of His creation. They are part of what God calls "VERY good."

He went on to tell me how my foolish mind had taken me to take away from a great, great man: my dad.
this is hard...
okey...here we go.
My dad was a prophet. I now know and understand that many times prophets have to go into hidding in order to stay alive- I learned that out of my own experience. My dad had to do the same. BUT I grew up in Mexico- world famous for its Macho Men. And somewhere in my mind it did not add up well for my dad to hide. That was not what a man should do. He should go up to the pastor and punch out all his teeth... my daddy didn't, so I took honor away from him. I just decided that he wasn't worthy of being honored.
My dad was soft and gentle in his manner. When hurt He turned to God to find healing and strenght. He was extremely kind and patient...something I now wish I had. But somewhere in the midst of our stormy world, it was hard to admire people like that. And it was hard to honor them....I thought. I now begin to understand that such virtues belong to a Godly man.
I feel sick to my stomach. I really do. I really do. I have tried to live my life with such lies somewhere in my mind, ruling me secretly and destroying so many things out of foolishness. Total foolishness.

awful isn't it?
"BEA you were a fool!"
I know
"You should really hate yourself for it!"
NOPE.
I won't. I have a saviour. He has granted me His forgiveness and He is restoring my mind and my heart. Not only towards my dad but towards all men...including pastors and my own sons.

Oh, yeah. My foolishness has had an effect on my relationship with pastors (mostly men) and with my ex-husband and with my sons.
I feel sick and sad, very sad to face all the destruction that my foolishness has brought. This is the hard part of facing sin. But I rather face it and yank it out than to continue living under its rule. I want to harvest something preaty someday. Something sweet. I must uproot sin. I msut face sin. I must look at it and ask God to clean me ever so deep. My mind, my heart.
The smell of having a wrong perspective on men, AND taking honor away from them AND looking down on them is terrible. I am about to throw up.
Wonder how God dares to hug me... makes me be amazed at His love.

It hurts Him. It really does, when we make those jokes that slander women or men.
"STOP!" he shouts "please stop! Don't you see the beauty of my creation? Are you so blind?"
He is not angry, He is hurt. Deeply hurt.
I feel bad...all these years....and you know what is the worst part of all?
The worst part is that "I have dealt with this area before"

I am sad, for God, for all.
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH AND THEIR CREATION.
WHEN THE LORD GOD MADE THE EARTH AND THE HEAVEN.
THERE WAS NOT YET ANY FIELD SHRUB ON THE EARTH NOR HAD THE PLANTS OF THE FIELD SPRUNG UP, FOR THE LORD GOD HAD SENT NO RAIN ON THE EARTH AND THERE WAS NO MAN TO TILL THE SOIL; BUT A MIST ROSE FROM THE EARTH AND WATERED ALL THE SURFACE OF THE GROUND. THEN THE LORD GOD FORMED MAN OUT OF THE DUST OF THE GROUND AND BREATHED INTO HIS NOSTRILS THE BREATH OF LIFE, AND MAN BECAME A LIVING BEING.
Gen 2:4 -7

These are words spoken with much love... can you feel the love in these verses?
"Father,
I need you today. I need you to deeply and completly restore my mind.
Please take me to that place where I will be able to look at men and women and say:
It is good.
Please Lord, make me a new creation so later you will be able to say:
it is good.
I am sorry I hurt you so deeply and for so long.
I am absolutely sorry. I repent. make me anew.
This I pray in Jesus' name.
Amen"

James 5:19

MY CHRISTIAN BROTHERES, IF ANY OF YOU SHOULD BE LED
AWAY FROM THE TRUTH, LET SOMEONE TURN HIM BACK AGAIN.
James 5:19

As God has been speaking to me on the fact that He really, really, really wants me to go to the leaders of the church I have had many inner struggles.
To talk about sin to a none christian is easy. Yes, they sometimes answer with the "but I harm nobody" excuse but by and by they do see that it is true that they are living in a sinful manner.
Talking to church leaders is totally a different story. It can be a missionary or a pastor or a cell group leader...it is usually the same. They know theology, they know the right names. Names like mercy and grace. And process of santification. AND even better yet is the "I have dealt with that before, now I am clean. I cannot keep looking back"
I believe in all the above BUT used correctly NOT to avoid facing sin.
As I talked with someone recently I was amazed by her capacity to handle the issue. It reminded me of a good basketball player. Ever had that feeling? You are trying to get the ball but your opponent is sooo good that he passes the ball from one side to the other in less than a second and when you think you have him pinned down, he takes two steps back and throws the ball way over your head.
The other day, when I was talking to a friend on sin it was like playing chess. It actually became challenging. Trying to make her accept her sin was challenging. Finally she smiled and said "you are intelligent" ...I was drained.
Sinning is not the way to face sin. Repenting is the only safe way out of sin. Sinning more will only carry you to more disolution and pain.
Facing sin is no fun, but it is healthy. God has made a way for us to handle sin. Only His way will do the trick. Only our repentance, only our seeking Him, only our being washed by Jesus' blood will we be full of His loving favor and peace.

I sigh.
I really hope that we all start walking in the fire of God... it will be good to see my loved ones on their feet and out of sin, living in a satisfying way.
I have said yes to my call to pastors and leaders of the church. May God grant me the grace to do my job well... what a challenge lies ahead!!!

James 5:16

TELL YOUR SINS TO EACH OTHER. AND PRAY FOR EACH OTHER
SO YOU MAY BE HEALED.
James 5:16

I like it when the Bible is no longer only words, I like it when I can read it and say "Oh, yes, I have been there- it is true!"
Today I share a letter that I just wrote to a dear friend (one of many- thank God!)

Morning!
I sit here, yes totally amazed by God's grace and mercy. But also wondering how I made it to be 41 with so much sin ruling my life...I know...God's mercy and God's grace...
THank God!

Okey this morning God continued to talk on my anger towards Him.
The reason?
"God, why did you create men?" (men as men not humankind)
I rattled on on how much pain they have brought upon women and children, specially beautiful and innocent little girls.
and yes, I was definitely harsh on my criticism towards their genitals. They have been used to rape so many women and children. I have heard too many dramatic stories. So many that I have started to walk in a mindframe that stated: "that is part of life and that is it, there is no big deal about it. Hundreds of girls are raped and they manage to get over it"
Lord rebuked me for accepting things that way. Sin is to be confronted and justice is to be called for. We have avoided justice for different reasons, but this has only brought forth more confusion and more pain.
I was told once of a teenager that went to the pastor and mentioned that her father was abusing her sexually. The pastor told the girl that her dad's behaviour was normal because he was a man and that she should just take it. The pastor was a woman.
I do not need to write more stories because I know you have heard your share. Thing is that this type of issues and not knowing how to handle them took me to one thing. Accusing God for creating men and calling his creation imperfect.
I accepted I was wrong. Then God gently explained that His creation was perfect. Man was a perfect creation, with all needed to protect, care, love and sexually satisfy his wife. SIN, God reminded me, has corrupted men. ANd sin was invited into our lives by humans- not God. ANd to be more specific Eve was the first one to invite sin into human society.
ouch
From there God took me to accept and understand that women themselves have used their bodies to harm many men. Now days we can really speak bad about the clothes that are worn...but even way back, when clothes revealed so much less...life was such a mess. Seduction and love for lust are part of women's vocabulary. They are games truly enjoyed by them since they are very young in age.
ouch.
I know God is right. I know of many young men that have been seduced by older women, destroying their self esteem and pushing them into a wrong use of their sexuallity. Throwing them into dip pits from which it seems impossible to escape.
ouch.
I still do not know how we are to handle things from now on. I realize this is part of my fear in joining the church again. I know I am now responsible to speak of this topic. To confront girls with their clothes and seductive ways, and to confront men with their lust. I do not expect this to be easy.
I remember a young man telling me that the way an older woman looked at him made him feel uncomfortable. When I spoke to the leaders about it their reaction was "it's no big deal"
It is good to have you. Most people do not like to hear me speaking on sin, they inmediatly point to theology terms such as "grace or process of santification"
It feels so good to talk to God about these things. It feels even better to have my ideas restored into Godly ideas. It is way too early in the morning and I haven't had much sleep. But I have such deep relief.
One last thing...I have felt that as we have been confessing our sins to each other much healing has been given to us. Yes, even phisical healing. I could feel parts of my body cleansed as I prayed. I expect to have many less problems with my teeth in the future.
I am soooo thankful to God for putting you near me in all of this. I am glad that you haven't avoided the word sin. And I am glad you have been honest with me, it has made it easier for me.
May God grant us His grace to continue in His fire.
Love you lots and lots,
Bea

psalm 119:22

TAKE AWAY FROM ME REPROACH AND CONTEMPT,
FOR I OBSERVE YOUR DECREES.
Psalm 119:22

"Bea Gasca, as long as you observe my decrees you will not have my reproach nor my contempt, but it is important that you will have to bear the reproach and contempt of people around you. Most people. Even christian people. Even church leaders. Even your family.
Bea Gasca, this is part of your inheritance. Yes, you received something real special with me, a friendship, a close friendship with me. But you must understand that my friends are not really apreciated in this world. Even my son had to bear reproach and contempt. It is part of your inheritence."

Silence. Strange...it was unavoidable, I have tried so hard to run away from something that is unavoidable. The reason why I did not want my parents ministry was precicely because I saw the reproach and the contempt which they had to bear. It is unavoidable. Part of my inheritence, it is part of the package of being God's friend.
ouch.
I have wasted so much time and energy trying to figure out a way of doing things without receiving contempt...surprise! It was unavoidable, and it will continue to be unavoidable.
It is true, the closer one walks to God, the harder it is to walk with people. So many things you do and say are taken as an offense.
I better start getting used to the idea.
Silence.
It is not a very pleasant idea.
More silence.
Not at all a pleasant idea, I kind of hoped that with all the evaluation and stuff I would come up with a way to do things, to please God without crashing into people...at least to christians...
now I am told it will not be so.
Deep silence and a deep sigh.

My purposeful driven life will be an offense to others.
My friendship with God will create me a lot of enemies.
My masterpiece life, will be laughed upon, it will be scorned.

gulp.
But not by God. He will not laugh at my life. He will not scorn at it.
He will not reproach it.
courage begins to come back into my veins with such a thought.
I shake my head gently as if by doing so I could shake off the nightmare that awaits me.

Then God speaks up:
"Bea," He speaks gently for He knows the news are not easy to handle, but by His tone I know that He will speak encouraging words so I open my heart and look up to Him in hope. "Yeah, Lord?"
"I will tell you a secret, one that will brace you through it all."
I open my heart even more.
"Bea, at the end of the first part of your life your hands were dripping with the blood of people you had hurt and had killed. But the second part of your life will be so different that you will die with your hands dripping blood, but it will be your own blood."

For many of you this is a strong way to encourage someone.
But for me it is encouraging. For this means I will die as a martyr.
Something I had asked for but had been denied off before.
I remember asking God to let me die as a martyr after understanding that martyrs get to have a very special revelation of God. A revelation only martyrs will have even throughout eternity. But on that occasion I was told my name was not on the list. I remember inisting, telling God how I was sure many of the ones that were on that list were not getting ready (to die as a martyr you must live as a martyr= knowing God). So I asked God to put me at the end of the list. "Father, certainly you will call out a name that day and the person will not be ready...then I can take his/her place! Please, let me prepare!"
He said he would put my name at the bottom of the list, but that it didn't mean anything.
I have lived as a martyr lives, pushing to know God no matter what...
Now...
Now things have changed. My name is still at the bottom of the list. But it is there to stay, someone else's was erased.
Yes, to know the way I will die (getting a special revelation of who God is) certainly will make my living as a martyr (knowing God better everyday, causing offense in others) much easier.
Much more easier.
Much easier.

I will die, rejected and alone- like Jesus died.
And both our eyes are shining at the thought.
I turn to see Him, my friend...so many thoughts trying to be expressed...but my eyes meet His eyes, they are full of love and pride.
His love overcomes me.
I turn my eyes upon His feet...but even then I continue to feel His deep love. His pride over me.
I am no longer afraid.

John 4:34

JESUS SAID TO THEM, "MY FOOD IS TO DO THE WILL OF HIM
WHO SENT ME, TO ACCOMPLISH HIS WORK.
John 4:34

God asked me to do an art project this week. It was a collague. I mixed two things.
Last week my mom finished studying the book "A life with a purpose" in her group, and they had to make a celebration. As part of the celebration I put together some games. For one of the games I made some questions which I stuck on colorful paper. I took the questions from the index since I haven't read the book myself. I simply looked at the Chapter and turned it into a question or asked people to explain what that idea meant.
So we ended up with little cards that say things like:
- Explain what it means to be made for a mission.
- what ist he heart of praise?
- What guides your life?
- How are we transformed?
- what does it mean to restore fellowship?
- what is God's perspective on life?
- Which gifts does God give?
- Explain what it means to be created for the family of God.
- what makes God smile?
- how does the power of God work in our weakness?
-Explain what it means to be created to please God.
- how to keep balance in our lives.

And some others.
Then God asked me to take out pictures. And we made a collague. I still look at it and I am fully amazed as I look at it. The answers are not printed out in letters. They are printed out in pictures. Pictures of my life.
The things I have done in obedience to God, are the things that have made my life a PURPOSEFUL LIFE. A life of which I am proud and which brings a tremendous satisfaction, enough to say "I can die"
One of the questions, is placed upon the picture of a rainbow in Norway,it says:
How do we live a life with purpose?

I have never read that book, but I have done it. I AM a living testimony that it is true, one can live a purposeful life, one can live in a pleasing way to God, one can Be God's friend...
ONE CAN MAKE GOD SMILE.

"Bea, what was the secret?"
I asked God one question, and when I got the answer I obeyed.
That question was and has been and from now on will continue to be:
GOD , WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Ps. I told God "I like our art proyect" (meaning the collague)
God answered, "yes, it is a masterpiece" (meaning my life!)

Psalm106:13

BUT SOON THEY FORGOT HIS WORKS;
THEY WAITED NOT FOR HIS COUNSEL.
Psalm 106:13

I have been pondering on the reason for people not to sit still before God. Yes, it is true that one of the reasons is not wanting to face sin in our own heart, and the other reason is not wanting to face the pain that sin in others has brought into our own heart. BUT I am reaching the conclusion that the thing we really want to avoid is to hear God.
Oh, we talk about wanting to hear God, we pray out loud in church and say "God speak to us!" but we are not silent enough time to listen to Him...because we don't really want to hear HIM.
I think we all know down deep inside that many of our plans are not His plans. Many of our ways are not His ways. We do not want to later have to face the issue of disobeying Him out front, so we do not stop to listen, that way we disobey without "really meaning too."
How clever can we get! Fools of fools! That is what we really are!
It is true the price of listening to God is high. Listening to Him does tear your life apart. You end up doing things contrary to what everybody else wants (including pastors), and contrary to what you want.
But you know what my prayer this morning was?
"Lord, open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you.
Lord, I have pondered on the effect that listening to you has had upon my life,
I have made a strong, detailed and long evaluation of the results of living under your guidance- total guideance.
It is true you made my life a mess, but I love the results.
I have looked back and I have put in a balance all the reproach, and the contempt of all- friends, neighbors, pastors, christian family, my own family, my own children, ALL- and then I have put on the other side your smile.
Your smile every time I chose to obey dispite it would make a fool out of me.
Your laughter and your joy as I was on that canoe, going to a distant town, to people I did not know.
Your talking excitedly in the middle of the night as if day were not enough for you to share the beauty of your pregnancy.
Your twinkling eyes as you call me by my name: "Bea Gasca you have no idea of what you are going to live! It is awesome!"
Your gentle hands wiping the tears away from my cheeck when I would complain of somebody's scorn, and then how you would make me laugh by showing me the scars of your hands...like boys do, to show off their own adventures. And then I would get a glimpse of tenderness in your eyes, a tenderness that said "I do understand, I have been there, and I long to see day day when you will no longer have to be there"
My God, I have been way too slow...I have taken a year to reach a conclusion that should have been taken even in the midst of pain...but now that I have reached it I come to you my God, and pour it at your feet with the deepest, deepest determination to carry it through (out of yuor grace):
LORD I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
YOU LEAD I WILL FOLLOW.
I KNOW PEOPLE WILL LAUGH
I KNOW THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND.
NO MATTER GOD. NO MATTER.
I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE,
I WANT TO FOLLOW YOU,
I TODAY STAND UP AND SAY:
I WILL PICK UP MY CROSS
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE.
YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE!

Esther 4:16

I WILL GO IN TO THE KING, AGAINST THE LAW,
NOT BEING CALLED, AND
EXPOSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND TO DANGER.
AND IF I PERISH I PERISH.
Esther 4:16

One of the surprises I have had when I returned to Mexico was the fact that now there are women bullfighters.
I have been strongly tempted to go to a bullfight. I do not like them, but I just keep thinking about these girls boldly facing a bull, and well, I think I will go one day.
Besides there are 3 bullfighters each evening. And they have been putting a girl with two men. I bet you anything it gets exciting. The girls go and really show off because they need to prove to the world that they can do the job as good as men, and then the men have to go and really show off to make sure they do not look weaker than the girls. It must be interesting...
But I haven't gone because I do not like bullfights. I used to have a friend whose dad was a bullfighter and so I went to see the bull fights a couple of times. I did not enjoy it. I knew her dad was in constant danger. It was not funny. I was relieved when it was over. Her dad was hurt by a bull once, I was not present... but I know that the danger is real.
I have been praying all these days, burning fire has approached and God has lighted the darkness of my heart. He has confronted me with my deep fear of getting hurt once again and He has commanded me to reach out. Not to DO, but to BE a friend of pastors once again.
I have trembled at the tought, but I have accepted the challenge.
I have gotten a new uniform, to get me ready for such a task.
Yep, you are right.
It is a bull fighter's uniform. But I can't wear it yet. I must practice first. But the decision has been made, the uniform has been obtained and in strong determination I have said:
I WILL GO AND EXPOSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND DANGER.
AND IF I PERISH, I PERISH,
but I will obey.

Mark 14:36

ABBA FATHER, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEE.
REMOVE THIS CUP FROM ME;
YET NOT WHAT I WILL,
BUT YOUR WILL BE DONE.
Mark 14:36

Jesus spoke this words before taking His cross. Despite the fact that He knew that the cross was His reason for walking upon the earth. Now the time was at hand, and He wept before the Father...He asked to be set free from such a task
God has spoken to me this week. He has told me what He wants. The only way I can describe my reaction so you may perhaps relate is to say that my reaction was as if God had told me "Bea, you are going to hell."
I heard what He asked and I dropped on the floor, weeping and screaming in a frantic way.
"LORD!!!!!!!!!!! nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"
I know you know I cry a lot, but this has no description.
I cried and I wept, and I begged..."anything else Lord, anything else...you know I am ready for anything else...war, pooberty, women in pain, homeless, drugaddicts, anything else Lord...I will go anywhere, no matter how far or how dangerous... but this...THIS!!"
My heart bled.
It was not my intention to fight with God. It wasn't. I do love God. I have done the most incredible things in obedience to God, because I love Him more than anything...
In a way I even love Him more than my own life...but there are so many different ways to die...WHY THIS WAY????
I looked at God with total unbelief ..."you are not serious God, you must be kidding...of all the missions that you could have asigned to me...you must be kidding...you must be wrong, something must be wrong...look in the agenda again, carefully, please....I beg of you reconsider your words."
silence followed.
I knew it wasn't a mistake. I just laid there at his feet, half dead..."death, there are so many ways to die, why this?" I quietly asked.
His voice was gentle and in pain. I have heard it before. It is the voice when He wonders who He will send to reach out for the lost, the same tone, the same sadness, the same pain, and the same void. "who will I send?"
He kneels down by my head and ever so gently brushes my hair, for He too is in deep pain for me...His tears fall on my hands.
I turn to look at Him.
"Bea Gasca, somebody must go to my beloved, somebody must awaken my church."

With tears in my eyes I manage to say "they stone prophets there, or they put them in jails. I am not trying to be disobedient Father...but I wanted to fly"
He looks at my hands. They are shacking at the thought of the cross that has been given to them. His tears fall on them... I recall the time they were filled with blood for I injured others as a leader of the church, now they are washed and alive due to the fact that Jesus took His cross.
Such a tought brings forth mercy for the leaders of the church.
I once was lost, somebody took a cross for me...shouldn't I do the same for others? Shouldn't I reach out for the leaders of the church who love God but also have lost their way...the same way I lost mine?
I sit up and draw near to God.
I lean my head upon His chest.
I do not need to tell Him that I will go, He knows me well.
But I do pray "Just promise me that you will be this close to me every single day...otherwise I just wont make it all the way."
He rests His head upon mine, and surrounds me with His huge arms and whispers:
I AM WITH YOU ALL DAYS,
EVEN UNTO THE CONSUMMATION OF THE WORLD.
Mathew 28:20

Psalm 102:13-14

O LORD YOU WILL ARISE AND HAVE MERCY ON SION,
FOR IT IS TIME TO PITY HER,
FOR HER FRAGMENTED STONES ARE DEAR TO YOUR SERVANTS,
AND HER DUST MOVES THEM TO PITY.
Psalm 102:13-14

I like having a conversation with God. Somebody asked me what I thought that "build your temple" meant. I could have taken out a "canned answer", you know one of the previous studies I have heard on the topic and given the answer.
But I decided to ask God what He wanted to say. So I start to pay attention to the scriptures that have to do with building.
And slowly I start to get the pieces of a puzzle and as I put them together a picture begins to show.
There is Isai where God speaks "your builder shall marry you." Which links perfectly with Ephesus 5 where the role of the husband is described as a role of building his wife with love and correction.
Then there is Luke where Jesus tells men that they should be careful and consider if they will be able to finish the construction and where he advices them not to start building if they cannot finish the job.
Of course we all know the parable of building in the sand vs building on the rock (Mathew 7) where we are told that if we obey God then we will have a solid building.
And there is Luke 20:17 that says
THE STONE WHICH THE BUILDERS REJECTED, HAS BECOME THE CORNER STONE
The corner stone being Jesus. Jesus should be the corner stone of that which we intend to build.

okey so far, it is clear and preatty. We all kind of knod and say...mmmm, nice.
But that is not all
Then we run into Psalm 102 where it speaks of "it is time to have mercy and rebuild"
now my eyes grow big.
For I begin to understand what God is telling me.
We know that at the end times there will be things that "no eyes have seen, no ear has heard..."
I believe that one of them things is the restauration of women.
Women have been deeply hurt through out history. All over the world women have suffered all sorts of abuse and limitations. Animals have had a better life than women. Sounds like an exageration but it is not. I will not go into telling all sorts of horror stories. If you doubt my words...just leave your comfortable seat and walk outside for a while.
Many women do not even dare to think. It is too painful. They simply accept what surounds them for they have no idea of how to break loose from the bondages that tie them up.
God has often given me this verse in lamentations to pray on:
My eyes torment my soul at the sight of all the daughters of my city.
Lamentations 3:51

I believe God is grieved by the wrong that has been doen to women. In fact, if you have ever wondered why Revelations speaks of such awful plagues that will fall upon the world I truly believe that it is in part to all the vengance God is pileing up. Vengance of hurt and abused women and girls. He has heard every cry, every tear.
But before that happens, He plans to restore women in an amazing move of the Holy Spirit through earth. And that restoration will be through good solid marriages, through loving and caring husbands that will be understood on God's plan.

That is something worthwhile seeing. And preparing for... =)

Ephesians 5:25

HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES.
Ephesians 5:25

Last Sunday I went to a wedding. The preacher used this verse in the sermon. But I was glad he started with another verse. He started with a verse in Luke in which Jesus says that men should be careful and really see if they will be able to finish a building before starting the construction. Since God had given me Isaia a few days before in which He declares "YOUR HUSBAND SHALL BUILD YOU". It made me open my ears and heart to the rest of the sermon.
Definitely God is trying to tell me something with this building thing.
So, He says "Your husband shall build you" That leaves a heavy responsability on men. Men are to build their wives up. Interesting. Specially since in my latin background we are told that "behind a great man, there is a great woman" implying that we are responsable for building men up.
Then we have Luke. Here Jesus is telling men, "before you get married, check yourself out, are you really capable of building this woman up? It is your responsability to do so if you marry her."
Then we go to Ephesians 5. Husbands love your wives, deliver yourselves up to them, protect them, feed them so they may be santified, purified and become radiant.

wow. My brain can't seem to grasp such beauty....and relief. It is true, a woman cannot build up a man. Our responsability is to be responsive to our husbands love and correction.
This is God's idea of love, romance...marriage. I like it.

But this morning I was strongly rebuked for unbelief.
And it is true. I look at the rubbles of my woman's heart. ...and it is hard to believe that the husband God has in mind for me is also a loving and caring man.
Perhaps is my latin background, in which women have been abused in so many ways that to consider the possibility of a man who respects and honors his wife seems totally...out of reach.

I believe it is God's intetion to clear up the rubble in my heart, in order to make room for my future husband's work...whatever he builds, I bet it will be nice. God is on His side.

Wisdom 1:2

BECAUSE HE IS FOUND BY THOSE WHO TEST HIM NOT,
AND HE MANIFETS HIMSELF TO THOSE WHO DO NOT DISBELIEVE HIM.
Sabiduría 1:2

"Bea, why did you write 3o people?" (in the previous blog when I wrote about hoping for a group of friends that would stand by each other no matter what)
- "Well, because when I went to the jungle that is the number of people that I went to with, and I saw it was a good amount of people ...not too many."
"Child, that is not true. You wrote 30 because you do not believe it is possible for hundreds and thousands to be cleansed and transformed. You do not believe me."

silence. I know that His discipline brings life, so I choose to listen to His correction.

He shows me a picture. I see a person who is infected with some tropical deisease. many tropical diseases are like this. The person is being eaten up by some worms...alive. It is true, you see people moving and walking and even laughing but they are being eaten alive in some part of their body. They show you that part and flesh is missing, and they smell bad. Of course if they go on unattended they will eventually die.
Such is my condition.
I need a miracle.

"why do you have only a certain number of people in your prayer list, Bea?"
- "If I should add one more, the load would become too heavy."
"you are right. You are sick and this makes you weak. I understand and it is okey that you do only a certain amount for know. But Bea you must face the unbelief in your heart or it will eventually kill you. You will continue to reduce the number of people in your list, and then one day nobody will be in your list. And your heart will grow cold, cold as ice."

I take a deep breath and take a step forward. Okey Lord, open my eyes, show me the sin in my heart.
He does. Soon I am crying and crying and crying. "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry..."
I think of Christopher Columbus and how people laughed at him when he spoke about the earth being round. And I felt that I was in the number of people who mocked and laughed, except that this time...I was laughing at God.
God showed me people. One by one. Names and faces. "You do not believe he/she will change"
Worse than that I saw in my heart that there were people that I was angry at so I even hoped they would not change, that way their sin would lead them to destruction.
Open my eyes Lord. Let me face sin.
God continued to show me ... a plagued soul with unbelief.
The bad smell increases as God continues to unwrap the different spots in my heart.
"See here...you do not believe."
"and here...you do not believe."
"you do not believe."

I quietly open my eyes bigger and bigger as I see a gruelsome picture of my soul.
"What did I believe?" I secretly wonder how come I am alive.
Please do not judge me.
I am a sinner, I am sick, I do not need judgement ...I need of a savior.

I fall to my knees with my tears streaming down my cheeks. "God if there is anything to be done...if there is still room for a miracle...if it is not too late..if there is still sometthing that can be done..."
I hear one answer.
I hear one word:
REPENT

Mathew 23:25-28

WOE TO YOU,SCRIBES AND PHARISEES, HYPOCRITES!
BECAUSE YOU CLEAN THE OUTSIDE OF THE CUP AND THE DISH,
BUT WITHIN THEY ARE FULL OF ROBBERY AND UNCLEANNESS.
THOU BLIND PHARISEE! CLEAN FIRST THE INSIDE OF THE CUP AND OF THE DISH,
THAT THE OUTSIDE TOO MAY BE CLEAN.
WOE TO YOU, SCIBES AND PHARISEES, HYPOCRITES!
BECAUSE YOU ARE WHITED SEPULCHRES, WHICH OUTWARDLY APPEAR TO
MEN BEATIFUL, BUT WITHIN ARE FULL OF DEAD MEN'S BONES
AND OF ALL UNCLEANESS.
SO YOU OUTWARDLY APPEAR JUST TO MEN,
BUT WITHIN YOU ARE FULL OF HYPOCRISY AND INIQUITY.
Mathew 23:25-28

If you have noticed I write more from the old testament, than from the new testament.
It is because when I read from the new testament, agony and pain arise in me. My veins get full of fire. My soul starts to crumble...and one shout, only one shout comes out.
It is the kind of scream no one likes to hear. The one of a soul in dispair.
I read these words and I one intense idea comes to my mind...forget all, forget about cooking and teaching, and friends, JUST GO AND DROP BEFORE THE LORD OF ALL.
GO FAST MY SOUL, GO FAST.
Perhaps you may find mercy and grace.
Go and drop at His feet and beg for a new heart.

All of the above was not my intention to write upon... I know that when I speak like this people get uneasy. Theology discussions easily spring forth from words such as: "Perhaps you will find mercy..."
So never mind. Most likely you have never experienced the wrath of God. I will thus not intend to clear up your theology. Let God be God, and may He open your eyes one day.
(will probably be a terrifying day, that day...but may He do it anyway. For out of the Fear of the Lord, wisdom springs forth)

Do you see why I do not write from the New Testament? What did I want to talk about?
Oh, yes, THE strategy.
THE strategy is to BE. So what happens with the DOING?
We have gotten lost so much in the past...I hear ourselves saying. "Do not be legalistic" or " Do not be a pharisse, Jesus hated such people." And with such a banner we have become slack in our ACTS. We DO most things a non-believer does under such a banner.
Jesus did not say: "SIN, that way you will not be a hypocrite."
NO His message was clear: REPENT
and : GET CLEANED IN THE INSIDE.

A good definition for religious or legalistic is:
DOING the right things, with the wrong heart.

So we are to aim to GET the right heart, so when we DO the right things we will not be called hypocrites by God.
These verses do NOT give us a license to sin. To become slack. To walk in lust and deception and envy.
Do you know what I mean? I am sure you do.
We watch hours and hours of tv. Filling our minds with all kind of sinful acts. Should I go ant tell you, "I think that program is not right consider turning your tv off" what will your reaction most likely be?
Some of my "favorite" escuses:
- Jesus prayed that we should be kept from evil but not taken away from this world.
- Jesus walked with sinners (I omit the fact that He did not sin)
- how am I to reach people if I do not know what is going on in the world?

strange, but the fact is that after a doze of tv, we open our Bibles and...nothing happens!
What a huge mistery!!!
We indulge in sin, we allow our souls to have at least a taste of lust and hate. And when we go to bed we open our Bibles and expect the HOLY OF HOLIES to manifest His love and wisdom to us.
Are we crazy or what?
"But Bea, if we turn the tv off and throw away some of our cd's...well, we will soon end up looking like some kind of freaks. And people will not like us, and they will not want to come to church."
Clever how we can twist things around, so much.
We want churches full.
Well there is only one strategy that will work.
We must become freaks. We must be fools. We must DO things God's way.
If we are not willing to be freaks. If we are not willing to turn from sin, well we will never be able to carry God's glory. Because His presence will not be placed upon filthy containers.
And without His glory...all other strategies, no matter how well planned, how much prayed upon, how expensive they may be...they will be in vain. They may draw a crowd. But no lives will be changed, really changed.
We will only be producing more hypocrites. Like Jesus said:
WOE TO YOU, SCRIBES AND PHARISEES,HYPOCRITES!
BECAUESE YOU TRAVERSE SEA AND LAND TO MAKE ONE CONVERT;
AND WHEN HE HAS BECOME ONE,
YOU MAKE HIM TWOFOLD MORE A SON OF HELL THAN YOURSELVES.
Mathew 23:25-28

Are we really willing to pay the price?
Will we really accept God as God in our lives?
Will we let Him crush us, an make us the laughing stock of human kind?
Will we let His fire clean us from the inside?
Will we turn off the tv, and read our Bibles more?

or will we just continue talking on mercy and grace, without using them to turn from sin?
will we keep doing and doing without the right heart?
will we close our ears, will we chose to be blind?
will we ignore the fact that Jesus was the biggest fool of all, the laughing stock of human kind...for you and I?

Luke 12:1

BEWARE OF THE LEVEAAVEN OF THE PHARISEES
WHICH IS HYPOCRISY
Luke 12:1

When was the last time you have sat down to enjoy the beauty of the full moon?
It is difficult to describe, isn't it?
It does not have its own light, it is only reflecting the sun's light...yet there is so much splendor in the full moon...so royal...
Grandeur.

As I have been wathcing it for the past couple of hours I have meditated on a lot of stuff, but one of them is the fact that this is a good way to define true christianity.
When we sit long enough before God...we reflect His light.
It is automatic...somehow you do not have to "concentrate" on doing it. Something in your eyes shines.
I remember Anna, a girl from Austria which was a bit "uptight" with religion. Most of the time when we spoke I was careful with what I spoke. But then there was a morning when she told me "there is something about you..." I made a funny face and said "oh, Anna, I am so sorry this time there is no way out: you see, its God!" She laughed and said: "I know."
It hasn't always been so.
Jesus himself has called me a hypocrite....and I was in ministry then.

You see the problem was that I got too busy with the doing.
I was doing the right things, BUT I WAS NO LONGER.
I just did not have enought time to sit long enough before HIM.
There was some shine, but it was not a full moon's shine. Many other parts of me were in the dark.
Now, I have not become perfect. But because I sit before God, well.. everything in me is out in the open. No longer in the dark. Even my sin is before Him. It is no longer hidden, no longer a trap.
I AM, and people know that I am.
DESPITE the fact that I often DO NOT DO.

For example. My niece, she has been with us for 5 months. She knows that I am. I can feel it in the way I have caught her looking at me once or twice.
But ever since she arrived she set up a wall "I do not want you near me."
I have kept my distance. (I believe in respecting people's will, like God does)
But my family has been going nuts.
"Bea, that is not christian like. You should draw near her. You should do this or that. You should talk to her on the danger of her ways. You should DO what good chrisitians do."

The pressure has been high.
But I would feel so fake by doing all of these "right things" when I truly believe that she does not want me near, basicly because she does not want to live up to God's standards, because she has found pleasure in sin.
But then...how are you to reach her? and all the other young people in the nations who seem to have the same plague "leave me alone, it is my life, it is my choice"
I have one strategy.
I will not BE a hypocrite.

I will draw near God.
Every day I will push to be closer and closer to His shinning and burning fire.
By doing this I hope to one day BE the reflection of His light in such a way that people will too be drawn by the beauty I project.
And then, when they ask...I will point to the master and creator of the universe.
I will point to the one whose light is brighter than the sun's.
I will point to God.
and then I will leave people alone with their choice.
I do not have a cell group to fill, so I can relax and let them choose on their own.
I do not have to impress anyone to be financially supported, so I can relax and BE.

Now, I must go on.
How I wish I could have stopped in the last line. It sounds dramatic and passionate...motivating.
But I cannot stop.
I must talk about the reason we often avoid THE strategy.
THE one strategy that will really cause an impact. We will do anything else, even real expensive and energy taking strategies. But THE strategy...we leave behind.

You know why?
Because we must die to our self. We must hate sin in us.
This is too high a cost.
Turnining our back on sin that has brought so much satisfaction is hard.
We are addicted to it, we do not want to let go, even if we know that using it will kill us.

Somebody recently told me "I strongly believe the young generation now is the generation God will use to impact the world."
I believe it too. As I study my niece and my own son I have reached the same conclusion.
They have grown up in church.
They are tired of hypocresy.
They have stood up and have made a decision. I will not be hypocrite.
Saddly they have chosen sin. BUT they stand up for their belief.
They boldly and defiently look at you and say "This is my choice. I will not be a hypocrite."

I have observed them carefully. Yes it is true they are addicted to sin. But something inside of them is restless...they know that God is real. ANd they are not really in peace.
So I believe these kids are waiting for someone to BE a christian.
In order to believe that all they have heard in church is real.
I think the minute they see someone that meets that definition, well then they will turn to God with just the same obstinity. (makes you see tht I have yet a way to go...)

The question remains. God asking:
Who shall we send?

Before you say "Me!"consider the cost.
You must die to yourself and turn from your sin.
AND the only way to do this in an AUTHENTIC way, it is to sit before the fiery God.

BEWARE... DO NOT BE A HYPOCRITE.
These were Jesus words.
If we had only listened...our children would not be where they are.
Good thing there is some time to repent.

Psalm 68:21

GOD IS A SAVING GOD FOR US;
THE LORD, MY LORD, CONTROLS THE PASSAGEWAYS OF DEATH.
Psalm 68:21

After the assault Jesus took me to a cave where we spent the night. We are still in the cave.
I have slept and feel safe. Only the pain in my shoulder remains, it is there to remind me that I disobeyed.
Jesus is by the fire. He is cooking fish. He has noticed I have woken up but hasn't said anything. He is serious and quiet.
"I am sorry Lord" I manage to say.
"When will you understand that 100% obedience is the absolute rule!"
I bite my lips and manage to get the courage to draw near the fire...near Him...near words of discipline.
I sit near the fire. Neither speaks out loud. But we speak, we speak with our hearts, like we so often do.
I become aware for the first time of how serious the assault had been and how I not only had put the journey in risk, my own life had been in risk. REAL risk of death.
After a while I speak up: "Lord, last night I realized that I am not prepared for what I must face ahead... I am not prepared for the darkest night of human history"
Jesus looks up for a brief moment. It is a look of love, He takes the fish and sits by my side. He gives me mine and starts to take His.
"Little one, you did not have to get yourself nearly killed to discover that! ANd you do not have to worry. If you humble yourself, but really humble yourself before me, then I will remind you of such a fact and I will help you prepare. It will be an everyday task."
He notices that I am trying to eat my fish without showing Him the pain in my shoulder is making it hard. He puts His fish down. "Here, I will feed you." He says. And gently takes the fish from my hand.
The times He has cared for me in such a way are uncountable by now. Gentle tears stream down my face. Each a song of worship to His caring ways. The warm fish warms my body. His love, warms my heart.
I look out side for a moment and I am reminded that I should have been in a journey to the dragons den. Now I am tired and need to sleep again. The thougth weighs heavely upon my soul.
I have finishe the fish and my Lord is helping me take some water.
We are in silence. He sits in such a way that I can lean against His back. The way friends lean on eachother to rest and to feel nearby."Bea, gloominess will not help you any. Think about a happy time."
I close my eyes and search for a happy time. The jungle. "o Jesus do you remember the trips to the jungle?"
Gloominess lifts up. And we talk excitedly about them trips. The joy of walking so close together, and then the last trip.The one with 30 other people, all ages, all backgrounds...so different from each other, yet so close, so united, so much in love. In love with our God and in love with each other. The care for the people in the jungle... the beauty of it all.
What an amazing time!
I am blabbing on and on, the times I sat on the back of the bus talking with Jesus about each one of the memebers of the group. The beauty we saw in each one. And then thinking of how it would be someday...where each would say "here, this is the place I must get off, The Holy Spirit has shown me." and the bus stopping and we all praying for hin and sending Him off...
I become silent once more. Those were special times...and now they seem so far away. So far away in the past...and so far away in the future...
Before gloominess fills me up again Jesus starts to talk...excitedly "do not be discouraged any longer, your tears break my heart. Let me tell you it is true, it will happen, amazing things will happen. The most amazing is that you will obey me 100% of the time..."
I smile, I even laugh.
He carries on talking excitedly of how it will be when the Father joins us in the battles ahead... unity will prevail. "I know you find it hard to believe, but pastors will listen to prophets in such time. Their eyes too will see and their hearts will understand that each has a place and they need not envy anyone... unity. Bea Gasca, it will be real. People in church will no longer be alone and afraid to reach out. Unity in families, in marriages, in congregations, in my Body..."
As Jesus talks I whisper a prayer "Father, I do believe, help my unbelief. I want to believe.."
Jesus has heard. He jumps to His feet and comes around, He continues to talk about the same thing but He wants me to see His eyes...eyes filled with faith. Faith that comes from seeing things that are yet not seen.
A piece of ice that has been in my heart for way too long begings to melt.
Part of me trying to fight hope. "Do not believe, you will get hurt again!" But the fire in His eyes is way too strong. I am not even listening to words anymore. It is the joy that I see in His eyes that is moving me to think it is possible.
Humans overcoming sin it is possible.
It will not be a stiff, outside of the heart move....God will move in such a way that people will start to repent and seek a new heart and then sin will be overcomed from the inside! And on the outside the biggest fruit will be: UNITY.
Desired and longed for unity, my one dream that always seems to escape my reach. Unity...

It is possible.
How do I know?
Hasn't God opened my own eyes, me the most stubborn of all, to the need of a new heart?
If He has opened my eyes...whose will remain closed?
My heart beings to beat fast.... when will it be Lord? when will it be?

I, the Lord, will swiftly accomplish these things
when thier time comes.
Is. 60:22

wow. Hope rises in me. I jump to my feet. "Let us go, there is a journey to be travelled...we must not waist time"
Jesus laughs. "You are not going anywhere until your arms heals. You lay down and rest."
I obey. My body lays down, but I am jumpy inside...
"it will be! man alive! it will be!!!!!!"
How am I supposed to rest? As I try to find a more comfortable position I see my sword...leaning on my shield. I look at Jesus . He smiles and casually comments "your horse is just fine, it is waiting outside..."
I sigh. Waiting once more... but there is a twinkle in my eye.
It will be!!!! Unity will be!!!

Psalm 67:1-3

MAY GOD HAVE PITY ON US AND BLESS US;
MAY HE LET HIS FACE SHINE UPON US.
SO MAY YOUR WAY BE KNOWN UPON EARTH;
AMONG ALL NATIONS YOUR SALVATION.
MAY THE PEOPLES PRAISE YOU, O GOD;
MAY ALL THE PEOPLES PRAISE YOU!
Psalm 67:1-3

I continue to lean on my sword. I must not have bandaged myself well enough because I am bleeding profusedly. I have no strength to do anything about it, but in a way I figure it is okey, it seems to me the poison is flowing out along with the blood.
My breathing is still slow and hard. I do not even have tears in my face. I am not aware of any pain...except for the pain of my soul.
So many people lost. So many hurt. So many in prisons. So many...due to the envy in the hearts of the leaders.
My head is heavy and oppressed, but I manage to pray:
Father God,
If you would shine upon your leaders,
If you would make your ways known to them...
then so much would flow...and the nations would know you...
and we would all praise you...

Tears finally begin to flow, I continue to pray:
Father of Glory,
Have thou mercy of us all!!!
I do not seek their distruction, for I love them Lord.
They are my kin, they are my blood.
Oh, but Lord...could you please open their eyes?
Could you please soften their hearts?
Could you please take envy away?
Can you make them understand that prophets are simply dust and nothing more?( like them)

As tears flow the poison moves out, I continue to lean on my sword. I continue to pray for my friends, the leaders of the church.
Clearness of thougth begins to come back again.
Hope arises in my veins as I can hear the sound of the hoofs of my Lord's horse coming my way.
The perfume of His presence reaches my lungs and I can take a deep breath once more.

"LET HOPE ARISE!" He shouts out loud, His voice ringing through the air.
I take another deep breath.
I am safe, I continue to cry and continue to feel the pain of my soul, but He has commanded Hope to arise...It will be so. It will be so.
The church leaders will consider envy a sin, they will turn their back on it...

LET HOPE ARISE!

The nations will know the Lord.

LET HOPE ARISE!

Psalm 64:1-5

HEAR, O GOD, MY VOICE IN MY LAMENT;
FROM THE DREAD ENEMY PRESERVE MY LIFE.
SHELTER ME AGAINST THE COUNCIL OF MALEFACTORS,
AGAINST THE TUMULT OF EVILDOERS,
WHO SHARPEN THEIR TONGUES LIKE SWORDS,
WHO AIM LIKE ARROWS THEIR POISONOUS WORDS,
SHOOTING FROM AMBUSH AT THE INNOCENT MAN,
SUDDENTLY SHOOTING AT HIM WITHOUT FEAR.
Psalm 64:1-5

I have been ambushed. It was such a fast thing. I do remember hearing my Lord calling out, but I was too distracted. I was happy with the fact that we had won a huge victory. The joy of overcoming... I started to celebrate in the wrong time. In the beauty of the day I forgot that I was outside the castle. It was no time to grow slack, to relax.
I was riding my horse, but my senses were relaxed. I was plain distracted by the beauty of the flight of my enemy.
Now, I am bleeding. I have lost my shield and my horse, and my Lord is no where in sight. Everything has become blurry and the darkest clouds sorrounds me.
We have left the flat lands, we are now at the bottom of the mountain abided by the dragons that I was aimed to face.
During the ambush I managed to escape by rolling down the ravine. Despite the fact that I managed to escape I have been wounded. I pulled the arrow out, it is my left shoulder again. I shake my head, and quicky tend to the wound. There was a brook with healing waters near me so I washed the wound as well as I could and bandaged it. Afterwards I had to drag myself back up. I am now on the path again. As soon as I got to the path I drew out my sword in case the thieves were still around, but I am loosing strength fast. Too dizzy to stand, I kneel and lean my head on my sword.
I am aware of the situation I am in. Eventhough it is terrible one, an even more terrifyingthought strikes me. "I am not prepared for the battle I will have to face in the future, in the time of the darkest night of human history."
I quickly brush the idea aside. I must manage to keep alive today, we shall worry about tomorrow later. Despite the fact that I had tended to the wound fast, it hadn't been fast enough. The poison is taking its toll. It has reached my mind and it is making my vision blurry. I just can't seem to get rid of them words: "you are exagerating" "God is not so harsh" "You will scare everybody away with such words, you had better speak on God's love" "you should lower the tone just a little" "save these words for the more grown up believers" "pastors will always look down on prophets, they will never hear" "they will never hear" "you exagerate" "they will never hear" "people need love, not rules" "we have had the law in the past, it is not what we need now" "they will never hear" "some people simply can't live holy lives, you must be more understanding" "they will never hear." "they will never hear""they will never hear."
The poison is making my throat swell. I begin to lack air. I simply lean on my sword. And manage to make a simple prayer:
Lord, I am sorry. I got distracted.
I heard your call but did not take it seriously.
Please, do not let me die now. Have mercy!
There are so many people waiting to be set free.

I stop because I need to concentrate on breathing. I think of the dragons... I see my weakness... I think of my children in the dungeons of the dragons' den and I find strength to pray again:
Father,
Please do something, do not let the poison reach my heart,
I must stay alive.
You have brought me this far,
please let me stay alive...for the sake of the nations,
please allow me to fight.

Philippians 1:20

CHRIST WILL BE GLORIFIED IN MY BODY.
Philippians 1:20

Big words.
I tremble as I read them. I do not even dare say them out loud.
I tremble because I know there is a price to be paid in order to say such words in honesty.
I will share part of a letter I wrote to somebody to try to express one of the hardest things to express.... may God allow you to understand.

I guess that what I really do want to say is that what you are going through is normal in the kingdom of God. In fact, in a way you should get used to it. The kindgom of God is not part of Disneyland. In the kingdom of God your worst enemy is NOT the devil. He has been defeited. Your true enemy is God.
No, do not kill me. Listen well, for this is true. God desires to crush you. To hit you so hard and so many times that you become simple dust. Nothing more.
He will put the weight of HIS hand upon you, and litteraly crush you. He will crush your ideas of success, of being good, of greatness in anyway. He will take you to a place of understanding that you are dust, and to dust you will return. You are nothing more.
This is a very common process. Some of us are in need of stronger pressure than others, merely because we seem to be more stubborn and determined to hang onto our fantasy of being some type of god. We can disguise ourselves in righteousness, but God knows our hearts real well. He will crush us, just to remind us that we are not gods, we are worms.
For you to hear that what you are going through is totally normal in the kingdom of God, will be encouraging. And perhaps this is not the best moment to let you know that it will not be the last moment...there will more ahead of the same sort or maybe even stronger.
This is why I assure you that you will be just fine. God is in control. I continue to be alive. God is strange in His ways, He has crushed me,but this has brought life to me. I am glad for His ways. Ways which are higher than mine.
I once spoke on this dealings of God. Somebody came up and gave me a tape on the "love of God" ji jijji. People do not understand when I speak of God as a God that crushes us. I remember how I ilustrated my feeling of that time. I took a large piece of paper and tore it to pieces, tiny pieces,tiny pieces...slowly, ever so slowly. The room was filled with silence, it was heavy and I could see that some people were shouting "STOP! STOP! DO NOT GO ON!" And, it was a paper, it was a class, it was not their life- I was talking about what God had done in mine...several times.
I did not tell them that He has put me through this several times. That would have been too much for them to handle. But it is true. I can look back and I am getting to the point of losing count!
One time I recall saying "GOD!!!!!!!!!!! one thing I beg of you! only one! do not send me to hell" Can you imagine what He had made me walk through? "GOD!" I cried on "just allow me to sit near the gates of heaven, where I will be able to breath your presence, that is the one thing I cannot lose...please do not send me to hell"
I strongly recommend that you do not copy this words as if they were magic words that will take you out of under God's crushing hand. God knows your heart. Magic words will not get you out, the best thing you can do is to let God deal with you and trust HIS mercy and grace will get you out.
There was another time, when I got to a point of dropping dead. It was like walking in the Sahara desert. I finally just dropped on the sand. The vultures were suddenly all around. God told me "you had better move or they will start eating you alive" I answered "LET THEM EAT ME! that way this will be over for good! I cannot move, I cannot take another step, I will not even attempt to move a finger! I am done, I am weak, I cannot...I cannot...I cannot..."
I was not using dramatic language to impress God. God had impressed me.
So many times... what about the time He called me into ministry. I gave Him my CV , He threw it to the trash (literally) and He said "I want you to go to the jungle".....excuse me??? I have no experience on THAT!...once again surrounded by weakness, my self-strength taken away, once again having to be totally dependant on God's mercy, on God's grace.
I do not talk about this openly. People do not like it when I tell them I am only a worm, well now I am a butterfly...but do you know how fragile a butterfly is??? In fact a worm has stronger changes of surviving than a butterfly...a butterfly is most fragile. I am now strongly vulnarable, I am aware of my weakness and of how small a creature I am.
My friend it is so strange, even now as I meditate on the whole process I cannot truly comprehend. I once was young, audacious and bold. God crushed me and took me to a place of deep meekness and weakness. Now, when He says "it is time to go out and kill giagants" I ....I take a long time to move on. I am aware of my dust essence. I now know what I am truly made of.
But I encourage you to hang on. Hang on to this process no matter what. Do not let go. Do not say "enough God, I want my life back!" Oh, yes, you are allowed to say it, too many christians do it. They end up as church goers but that is all, maybe even involved in ministry but you can smell the difference...you know that they have skipped this course.
No my friend, do not stop. Do not take your life back into your own hands. let God destroy your life. let Him take the control and crush your life. let Him ruin it, totally ruin it.
You see, my friend, and I hold you by the neck of your shirt as I say this in a desperate tone....MY FRIEND do not let go!!!! it is there, it is here that you will truly meet God!!! And it is only when you find Him, that you have really found LIFE.
Yes, you do have to pay a price. A high price. You have to lose your life...but it is nothing, my friend your life is nothing...sheer illussions that is what our life is. You give it up and then, and only then you will be given LIFE.
Do hang on. HIS mercy and HIS grace will see your through.

But the things that were gain to me, these for the sake of Christ,
I have counted loss.
Nay more, I count everything loss because of the excelling knowledge
of Jesus Christ, my Lord.
For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things,
and I count them as dung that I may gain Christ and
be found in Him.
Philippians 3:8

sophonia 3:16-17

ON THAT DAY, IT SHALL BE SAID TO JERUSALEM:
FEAR NOT, O SION, BE NOT DISCOURAGED!
THE LORD YOUR GOD, IS IN YOUR MIDST, A MIGHTY SAVIOUR;
HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH GLADNESS,
AND RENEW YOU IN HIS LOVE, HE WILL SING JOYFULLY BECAUSE OF YOU,
Sophonia 3:16-17

okey...take a deep breath. Ready?
This is a favorite verse of ...everybody. We even have songs with it...and I like it too.
Nevertheless (I decided to use this instead of the ugly BUT)...
Nevertheless it is important to look at its full context. If you read the whole book, you will discover that the people were rebelious and walking in their own ways. God spoke and said "I will purify you" and then it talks of war and destruction and fire...ouch...and THEN it finally says...IN THAT DAY. Meaning once God has purified you...THEN He will sing with songs of joy over you.
In modern society we are soooo afraid of creating some mayor trauma in children that we no longer discipline them...God is a loving Father. The most loving of ALL nevertheless he corrects us. And He can be real hard. Just read the whole book of Sophonia.

BUT the good news is that if we accept the correction then we will be in a totally different condition before God.
Just how different will our condition be?
God will sing over us with songs of joy.
God will live in our midst.
God will fight against our enemies.
God will renew us in His love.

My dear friend, please believe me, His discipline is good, it brings forth life.
His discipline builds us up.
My dear friend it is very important that you understand that The Father Disciplines those that He loves.
So if He says no, if He asks you to change your ways, if He sets rules that seem a bother and too high to live by...take a deep breath. Consider your ways.
Be wise, accept His counsel...this will keep you safe.

Isaia 42:5

AS A YOUNG MAN MARRIES A VIRGIN,
YOUR BUILDER SHALL MARRY YOU;
AND AS A BRIDEGROOM REJOICES IN HIS BRIDE SO
SHALL YOUR GOD REJOICE IN YOU.
Isaia 42:5

I will share a paragraph from a letter ...without permission... ji ji ji but I just think it will make this lesson much clearer:

.... teaching me how to fall in love :) but other days its very hard because i feel hurt and repetitive sometimes in the things i say and do and it just makes me want to change, it makes me question god : why did u want me to be the guy you use to push her forward in change and to teach her more about your ways ( you know people always have walls with such a person u know ) and i dont want her to have walls with me, why did you choose me to become this guy.. i hate being in this position of teaching her things, confronting others, how to i explain this !! why cant i just love her without having to do anything and letting her be and learn from life on her own ( i always thought i will be such a person u know that loves all the way and wouldnt be the MOTHER OR FATHER charater u know hehehe )

Okey everybody, contrast the verse and the paragraph. Surprised? Oh we love the last part of the verse, the bridegroom will rejoice in his bride...isn't it romantic? awesome.
BUT ... (don't you just hate this word?)
BUT there is one thing the bridegroom does before he can rejoice. He builds his spouse.

ohhhhhh, noooooo!!!!! Why must we work before we reap???
I loved the contrast. This guy is absolutely honest. He is deeply in love with the only woman he knows that makes him feel complete. But he finds that he is suddenly in a very difficult position, he discovers himself teaching her things and confronting others, and encouraging her to love God even more...and the girl seems to be resenting it and is beginning to withdraw... agony, despair...questioning "Why do I have to be the guy to ....build her up?" "why can´t I just let her be and let life teach her?"

We live in a very confusing world. Parents want teachers to teach their kids. Parents of teen agers want pastors to teach their kids.(most of the time it is tv that is teaching our kids). Kids do not want ANYBODY to teach them. Women make fun of men "They are sooo stupid that they actually talk hours about boats, bikes and cars!!! how stupid can one get?" Men are too angry and hurt to listen to any counsel from their wives... pastors won't listen to prophets....prophets will not listen to pastors.
We have all built up our wall. "Leave me alone, IT IS MY RIGHT TO CHOOSE!!!"

Are you starting to get sick? I hope so. As I consider our heart attitude I cannot but start to feel nausated. AND WE WANT A REVIVAL???? what a laugh!!!
We do not like being corrected (the we includes me) and ...and....and
we are avoiding correcting others. Because we want to be popular, well liked and accepted.

ouch.
I believe it is time to untangle our minds. Revival is NOT only about filled stadiums with people worshiping our Lord and healings ocurring everywhere. It is much more than that.
Revival includes BUILDING each other up in love.
surprise!
Are we going to accept the challenge?
or are we going to continue doing things our way, constantly seeking for short cuts of some sort.
prayer, fasting and offerings INSTEAD of love, discipline and counsel.
I do not think God is accepting such a bargain.
He wants it all. the prayer, the fasting, the offerings, the love, the discipline and the counsel.
Who is going to accept the challenge?
the challenge of confronting, of setting limits, of saying NO this is NOT right...
Who is going to accept the challenge?
Of building their spouses, their children, their friends, their leaders...
Who is going to accept the challenge?
Of opening up so others build them up.
Who is going to accept the challenge?

Psalm 50:14-15

OFFER TO GOD PRAISE AS YOUR SACRIFICE AND
FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE MOST HIGH;
THEN CALL UPON ME IN TIME OF DISTRESS;
I WILL RESCUE YOU, AND YOU SHALL GLORIFY ME.
Psalm 50:14-15

I will write in a broken hearted and distressed way. I wish you could actually feel what I feel and see what I see and understand what I understand.
The Bible verse I mentioned is a Bible verse that I heard a lot used to motivate people to give money (offerings) to the church. I heard the preacher say that if we would thank God and then promise Him an amount of money and then kept our promise then God would rescue us.
Now lets read a few verses before:
HEAR, MY PEOPLE, AND I WILL SPEAK;
ISRAEL, I WILL TESTIFY AGAINST YOU;
GOD, YOUR GOD, AM I.
NOT FOR YOUR SACRIFICES DO I REBUKE YOU,
FOR YOUR HOLOCAUSTS ARE BEFORE ME ALWAYS....
Psalm 50:7

Do you see? the first verse was taken totally out of context. In fact God is telling people that He is not at all impressed by their offerings..."i do not need your animals...for all animals are mine" is the continuing part of the previous verse. And if we continue to read on we discover that God was asking people to CHANGE their ways. NOT to give Him money.
"If you CHANGE your ways, then I will save you." That is the basic message.

TO THE WICKED MAN GOD SAYS:
"WHY DO YOU RECITE MY STATUTES, AND PROFESS MY COVENANT WITH
YOUR MOUTH, THOUGH YOU HATE DISCIPLINE AND CAST MY WORDS
BEHIND YOU?"
Psalm 50:17

I read about the reproach of God to the leaders of Israel...and it fits the present situation. Men of God, who have found Christ and have allowed God to deal with them to a certain point often become "blind men, leading blind men"
But the chaos we find in the church today is huge and my pain is just as big. People hate this topic...but somebody must speak up. Somebody must say "it is time we repent"
We ask for revival and invent millions of different strategies...but we do not take the ONE strategy that is needed. REPENTANCE. Loving discipline and taking God's word seriously.
Real seriously.
As leaders we do not do it. Some may preach it...but most do not even preach on holy lives. On loving discipline. We have focused on Grace and Love, and we have compromised. We do not tell people that they are sinning and that it is time they repent. Or they will be walking under the wrath of God. This is not a popular message.
The result?
Devastation.
That is all I seem to find on this journey of prayer. It seems to me that people are so hurt, so confused, so lost... I feel as if I were walking in the midst of a devasted city. Maybe a war, an earthquake, a tsunami...death, lamentations, confusion, fear, loneliness... and most of the people I am praying for are christians.
When I started to see all of these, I asked God "WHY..." and this was His answer. Leaders have not told people to repent. They have not shown people to read the word so people may know what is right and what is wrong. So God has not been able to move in their favor.
I watch in horror. I sit in the midst of destruction...
WORN OUT FROM WEEPING ARE MY EYES, WITHIN ME ALL IS IN FERMENT; MY GALL IS POURED UT ON THE GROUND BECAUSE THE DOWNFALL OF THE DAUGHTER OF MY POEPLE, AS CHILD AND INFANT FAINT AWAY INT HE OPEN SPACES OF THE TOWN.
Lamentations 2:11

This verse best describes my heart. What have we done? we= the leaders.
I do feel overwhelmed. I look at God and ask "will anybody listen to me?"... I am so small.
All these days, we have been picking people up from the rumbles. I see Jesus' serious face. I know that He too is mortified. As he picks each one of His sheep and takes them to a place of rest and protection, I walk in silence by His side.
As Jesus removed a huge stone that had fallen upon one young man, I held him in my arms...it was such a painful time, the young lad fainted in my arms. His agony to great to hear my words "you will be fine, you will be alright" my words of comfort to soft to be heard in the midst of his shouts of agony and distress. He will be alright...but he still needs time for recovery.
To find others we have had to walk long distances, for they were out of the city, it seemed to me that they had somehow tried to escape in time, but out there they were found by cruel beasts that tore them apart.
For twenty days we have been searching for the lost, many are still out there, incommunicated, hungry and losing hope of ever being rescued. I am sweaty, have had very little sleep, not hungry, and filled with mixed emotions. Joy as we rescue each lamb. Pain at the thought that there is still so much to do for them and for the ones tht are still out there. Overwhelmed at the truth that our rebeliousness as leaders has brought so much distruction into these lives. And feeling rather unprepared for the task of confronting leaders, so we might all change our ways. and truly love God's discipline.
I am supposed to be eating, but I haven't touched my plate.
Jesus notices and take a deep breath. He doesn't look at me in the eyes.
Which means they are filled with pain.
But He begins to speak soft words of comfort, and hope.
"you have been very brave, I just want to thank you for walking by my side all day,
it has made the job easier... you had better eat, you need the strenght, there is a lot to be
done.............. Bea, your words of comfort, were not just words of comfort...they are true,
These people will be ok...I just thought that you would like to know...they will be ok."

I sigh with relief. I look at my plate , I start to eat out of obedience...but His words have fed me, I am strong. I can carry on... my friends will be ok. I can carry on.
And in due season I will speak to the pastors... I will confront them with God's truth.
We will change our ways.
And God will move with mercy and grace and bring the desired salvation to earth.
His words have fed me, I have gained strength I can carry on.

Isaia 46:10

AT THE BEGINNING I FORETELL THE OUTCOME;
IN ADVANCE, THINGS NOT YET DONE.
I SAY THAT MY PLAN SHALL STAND,
I ACCOMPLISH MY EVERY PURPOSE.
Is. 46:10

I had just told a friend of mine: I feel like when one is on the little car of a roller coaster, going up. It seems forever to actually get to the top, before the thrill actually begins. But I am so sure we are in the train!!!!!

And that is the trick. to be in the train, so when the time comes we wont only be mere spectators of the fun.
How to be in? well definitely it is a time of preparation a time not of doing things...but of BEING transformed. that means spending time with God and the Bible. I am seeing God moving in the same way in different people. I am seeing how He is making emphasis on the BEING more than in the DOING for now. He is demanding that we "refurnish/ redo" our own hearts...
So I read your letters and I don't really get excited with all the activity that is going on. It is not a bad idea, but it seems to me it is dangerous because it can become a distration...planning, meetings, funding etc etc. AND our hearts????
God needs 100% pure hearts into which He can pour His glory. He has told me clearly: "Bea, I also want the revival, but give me hearts into which I can pour my glory without killing the owner of the heart"
God is HOLY, real HOLY, I know we sing it all the time, but it is true. And His presence burns. not a soft warmth, a fire warmth. He consumes. He is terrifying. If there is no revival it is because WE are not ready to stand the Fire of His Glory.
It is This Fire that we need in order to reach these young generation. Nothing else will do.
I do not know when you spoke to a teenager the last time. These kids will make a fuss about a tree being cut down, but they will not even blink at the thought of abortion.
Their minds are really messed up. Really messed up. We need more than fun to get them in shape. We need the FIRE OF HIS GLORY.
it is time to stop praying for a revival. It is there, It is in God's heart, it has been there for at least two years!!! It was there when I went to Norway!!!
...I feel desperate as I try to awaken you to the reality that we are wasting our time and strength. It is time to repent, to seek the Lord and ask Him to really be God in our lives. It is time to really let Him take out sin from our hearts.
But to really take out our hearts and create a new heart.
It is time to work on BECOMING a new creation, honest to goodness new creation, not only a church going creation.
After that, the DOING will be automatic and the Glory will be automatic...everything will just flow so naturally, so freely, so beautifully...unity in the church, healings, repentance...everything we dream of...but it will start in our hearts.
If we choose not to let God near enough as to burn us into ashes, if we choose to be so busy that we don't allow Him to deal with us...then we will not be on the train of the roller coaster.
The thrill will come. God has stated that it will be so.
But only those who are being consumed by His fire NOW, will be able to participate THEN.

Consumed to BE now, in order to Do then.

Isaia 46:5-9

WHOM WOULD YOU COMPARE ME WITH, AS AN EQUAL, OR MATCH ME AGAINST,
AS IF WE WERE ALIKE? THERE ARE THOSE WHO POUR OUT GOLD FROM A PURSE
....THEY HIRE A GOLDSMITH TO MAKE IT INTO A GOD BEFORE WHICH THEY FALL
DOWN IN WORSHIP....REMEMBER THIS AND BE FIRM, BEAR IT WELL IN MIND, YOU
REBELS; ....
I AM GOD, THERE IS NO OTHER; I AM GOD, THERE IS NONE LIKE ME.
Isais 46:5-9

How easy we forget that there is only one God.
How easy we think of ourselves as gods.
How easy we think of our leaders as gods....our type of gods.
We like to make our own idols because we can manipulate them and put our expectations upon them.
God, the real God doesn't play along with our games so He is harder to worship- really worship. One thing is to go to church and sing a song, a very different story is to sit before Him and say "What do you want, my Lord?" and harder yet is to obey once we have received the command.
How important is to sit still before God long enough to remember that He is God and there is no other.
This time of prayer has been extremely refreshing for me. God is taking time to clean up my concepts of "pastor" or leader. I hated that term and avoided my ministry because I had this idea that once I was "the pastor" I would be expected to be a type of superman (or god). I would have to have the right answer for each problem and I would have to have the strength to carry each person to their promised land. Wisdom and power to save each one....only God can save....
Are you adding up? It is simple if only God can save that means that only God has the wisdom and the power to save each one.
I am not God. I am NOT God.
I am human. If you visit me while I am working in the garden you will discover that I even smell human.
I am human. I will go to the dentist next week.
I am human. I am often confused, totally confused.

I take a deep breath. It is just so nice, so right to have it clear in my mind that NO I am NOT God. And NO I am not superman. And NO God does not expect me to act like superman as I relate to the people under my cover.
So, what does God expect?
To share.
What??!??
Yep, that is all. I sigh with relief, huge relief. Basically I am to do exactly what I have always done. Share.
I have always shared my life and God is a central part of my life, so I share Him as I share my life. I share my struggles and my dreams. I share my anxiety and I share my anger. I share what I learn. I share cookies and tea. I share life, a life lived by God.
That is all.
And that is the way it is to continue.
I am so relieved.

Not only I am not expected to be a superwoman (sometype of god); I can tell from the verse here stated that I must be extremely careful NOT to play God.
And I finally begin to understand why God has asked me to write in such honest way. When I wanted to write the typical missionary letters, the kind that would get me supporters, letters that would include me feeding the poor or something of the sort...God always said "no"...and I was most confused.
Now I understand. God knew my heart well, He knew how fast it would have swollen up with pride and with an air of I AM. He knew the huge tempetation it would be for me to actually believe I was some type of wonderwoman or god.
God knows me well. That system was to be a trap for me. So He commanded that I write of my fears, and frustrations, and anger and lust and hopes, and dreams, and good days and bad days...but all extremely human. Very human. Because He needed to remind me that that is all I am. Certainly He loves me lots, but that does not take my human nature away-
I am so relieved...I can rub my knee if I fall, I can complain to my friends about getting a bad haircut, I can cry when I feel the loss of my boys bigger than my faith, I can even get upset because "I am hungry!"...
Share. I am relieved. That means I can continue sharing my own questions, my own fraiglity, my need for a hug and encouragement.
I am relieved. Becoming a pastor does not mean I will be placed in a pedestal and seen from afar. I can continue to walk side by side to my friends.
I am most relieved as I can see that it is a gentle relationship, the kind that I have had with so many people all through my life. Pastor+ disciples= friendship.

"Bea, but there is some kind of difference, some higher level, or position if one is a pastor"
Well, the way I picture it is not a "yes, a pastor is a more enlightened person, which gives him a higher catergory in the kingdom of God, so if you can sit by the pastor..you are real special"
Me, perhaps because I am a very simple minded person, I see it more like:
I have tripped more down the road than you have, so I may be able to tell you how to walk over the tree-trunk bridge without falling or I might just encourage you to get up after a fall reminding you that we learn from such mistakes.
I have taken many wrong turns so I may be able to prevent you from doing the same.
I have been crushed and broken by God, so when He is doing the same to you, I can simply tell you that you will be just fine and that what you are going through is "normal" in the kingdom of God.
I have been taken to the point of deep repentance, so when God takes you there and you tell me "I feel so bad as I now see my sin" I can tell you, "go on and cry and cry it is the Holy Spirit bringing deep repentance into your life, do not stop Him, when He knows it is time He will fill you with deep forgiveness"
BUT...many other times, I will only be able to stand by and watch you draw your own picture.

My heart has a happy tune this morning as I finally understand that my role as a pastor is to do exactly what I have always done:
To share my life, a life lived by God's side.
and
To let God be God. (this part I haven't always done...)

He is the one with all wisdom and power to save.
So let God be God and all honor and glory be to Him the only God who can save us from us.
The only God who can create in us a new heart.

Job 38:6-7

INTO WHAT WERE ITS (planet earth's) PEDESTALS SUNK,
AND WHO LAID THE CORNERSTONE, WHILE THE MORNING STARS
SANG IN CHORUS AND ALL THE ANGELS SHOUTED FOR JOY?
Job 38:6-7

Isn't this just beautiful? Just close your eyes and try to imagine it for a moment: the foundation, the cornerstone of planet earth being placed...all the stars singing and the angels shouting for joy.
Thousands of questions come to my mind, but they are all a bit silly and not worthwhile...but the awe feeling does not depart.
Can you see God? Can you really picture the scene?
You see God is very different from us in many ways. One of them is the fact that He really likes to share. On that occasion He shared with the stars and the angels that specific moment in history. The stars sang and the angels shouted...what an enormous amount of noise! And God smiled, delighted with the fact that He was not alone in such a moment, such a special moment.
Did you know that on that very moment WE were in His heart. That was the reason for so much noise in heaven. A rock being put somewhere was not the reason for such excitement.
WE were the reason for such excitement. And because God is God and He can do all things, He somehow managed to think of each one of us in that very moment. It says somewhere else in the Bible that He prepared good works for us before the foundation of the earth.
So God did not only see us as a list of names, and placed a tick as He went down the list. Nope, He saw me and said "one day this girl is going to drive the world crazy." and the stars sang and the angels shouted for joy...
what a special moment in history, and in a way- we were there, because we were in God's thoughts, and in His heart. wow.

hmmm, I wasn't going to talk about this, but since it is so nice I will just leave it instead of erasing it...to the point that I was really headed to was more on the reason for pastors, intercessors and prophets to exist. I mean if you consider the fact that we cannot save, not even ourselves, well then we understand we are not essential.
And we aren't. We really aren't. God can use donkeys, a rock or a sunset to speak to a heart.
We are not essential.

So why the call? Why does God ask us to take responsability and take our ministry seriously?
Why the call?
For exactly the same reason that He asked the angels and the stars to join Him that morning...He likes to share.
As a pastor I have held people in my arms...I have shared His love.
As an intercessor I have felt His deepest pain... I have shared His tears.
As a prophet I have seen His divene plans...I have shared His deepest joys.

We can actually partake (participate) with God...in whatever He wants to share, this being a tremendous missionary trip, or a sunset. This is our call: To share with God, whatever He wants to share...pain, joys, chocolates, tears...whatever He wants to share.
God likes to share.
And out of the hardest to imagine things, He has chosen me to walk by His side...
just so He can share.

Job 40:6-14

THEN THE LORD ADDRESSED JOB OUT OF THE STORM AND SAID:
HAVE YOU AN ARM LIKE THAT OF GOD, OR CAN YOU THUNDER WITH A VOICE LIKE HIS? ADORN YOURSELF WITH GRANDEUR AND MAJESTY, AND ARRAY YOURSELF WITH GLORY AND SPLENDOR. LET LOOSE THE FURY OFYOUR WRATH; TEAR DOWN THE WICKED AND SHATTER THEM. ...THEN WILL I TOO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUR OWN RIGHT HAND CAN SAVE.
Job 40:6_14

Did you ever imagine God saying this? In our days we would say: "Hey, you think you are sooo cool, let me see you bring justice- go and get the president in shape- and if I see you do it then I will applaud and say you were right."
Why don't I trust God? I certainly cannot save myself! Much less save others!

I really like doing things God's way. So He gives me a group of people to take care off (pastor) and the next instruction is: pray for 40 days, and I do not want you to write to them during this time.
It is hard!
But today it just makes so much sense. It is like a "getting things straight" strategy. Since I lost the revival and got in big trouble for it, my temptation was (is) to become extra protective... God is just so cool.
First thing He does is to separate me from my two young boys. Good training for building up trust in God. I have no other alternative, either I trust Him or I trust Him! They are too far away from me, there is nothing I can do to protect or guide them. Freaky, no?
I love it.
I heard you saying "Bea! You are crazy!"... I smile. I love you.

But I do love it. I am aware to a point of what we are headed to, it is not going to be easy. my level of trust in God has to be HIGH. Very High. This will be important not only to walk in peace, but it will be important so I may obey Him a 100%.
100% obedience will be crucial, well it is already crucial, but it will be even more important and this is the time to prepare. To train, to cultivate a good realationship with God, to know Him, to understand His being God. To trust God.

Today I chatted with my boys. The look fine, they have gained some weight and still have very clear loving and gentle souls (I saw their eyes, which are the windows into our souls). Then Jesua told me "Mom, yesterday I though a lot about you because the policeman at my dad's office told me "Read Your Bible!" Just like that!" I stammered as I tried to answer. Jesua told me: "I know, it is a miracle." in a very solemn tone.

I saw God's twinkling eyes teasingly...to a point...saying: "Hey girl, you think you are sooo cool, have you ever gotten your boy to understand that I am real?....I did, and it was so easy..."

God being God. "Trust me Bea Gasca, trust me- after all I am God!"

I sit in solemn silence. I need to know God. I have this desperate hunger, I must know God well.
It is there in the knowledg of Who He really is, that I will rest.
It is there in the understanding of His will that victory will be reached.
I must know God.
I must get to know Him well.

Job 38:2-3

THEN THE LORD ADDRESSED JOB OUT OF THE STORM AND SAID:
WHO IS THIS THAT OBSCURES DIVINE PLANS WITH WORDS OF IGNORANCE?
GIRD UP YOUR LOINS NOW, LIKE A MAN;
I WILL QUESTION YOU AND YOU TELL ME THE ANSWERS!
Job 38:2-3

Some scholars say that the book of Job is not a true story, it is more like a made up story to ilustrate important principles.
I believe that whoever makes such a statement has had a very easy life...
In my case this is the one man in the Bible that I truly can relate with. Job loves God and does his best to honor Him. Yet God crushes him into tiny tiny little pieces. Not only that, God remains silent for a while before He finally speaks. And when He does chose to speak He does not choose a soft, gentle wind like when He spoke to Elijah. God speaks to Job out of a storm.
Remember a real storm? The thunder? The lightning? The strong winds? The pouring rain?...the fear that it brought forth?
I totally relate to Job. God hitting him, okey: God allowing satan to hit Job. Blow one: no more richness, blow two: no more children all killed in a drastic, most drastic way; blow three: illness upon his body; blow three: his wife can't stand him any longer, he becomes a burdensome heavy load for her; blow four: his friends, dear friends can't find a way to help him and in their frustration end up filling him with false accusations.
Crushed. and Crushed by God.
What do you do in such a moment? I reacted like Job. After God had crushed me I sat down and said "Lord, I will not take another step until you answer my questions"
What did God say?
THE LORD ADDRESSED .."Bea Gasca"...OUT OF THE STORM AND SAID:
WHO IS THIS THAT OBSCURES DIVINE PLANS WITH WORDS OF IGNORANCE?
I WILL QUESTION YOU, AND YOU TELL ME THE ANSWERS!

I totally relate to Job. That guy was real. His story was real. THAT God is real.

What were the questions that I had asked God? I will tell you some, but first let me give you a bit of a back ground. How does one make a long story short?...I will not make a long story short..it seems to me that if I attempt to do something like that important truths may be left out and that may bring disaster forth. So let me just tell you that one wednesday morning I found out that one of the young men that lived on the streets, and whom I had met, had comitted suicide.
That was one of God's blows. We had visited him at the hospital not long before. We had prayed with him and we had offered to help him out. I started to tell him the story of the prodigal son. He smiled (he had a beautiful smile) and he told me "I know that story" and then he went on to tell me that a man would take hot chocolate and bread once a week. "We pretend to be listening so he will give us the hot cocoa." it was a good afternoon. I left the hospital full of hope. I knew Silje had a special connection with him and I truly thought that in time he would not only leave the streets but that he would be used in a mighty way to help others out.
I saw him a couple of nights before he committed suicide. He also walked with a huge smile on his face "Seño!" I did not recognize him, now he was soiled and wearing ragged clothes again.
On wednesday he committed suicide.

I did not take him home that night. WHY???
I was already in a turmoil. Too much activity had separated me from my clear communication from God. I did not hear God whisper or shout anymore. I was surrounded by disorder and darkness. My own mind and heart were a total chaos. I was not able to reach out. I was tired and confused. I was starting to sort things out but in that momment I could not reach out. And he died.
He was not the only one that died, many died or were deeply wounded during that time.
So close, yet so far away.
My own chaos, my own confusion brought death to those around me. Did God hold me responsible for it or did He say "poor Bea, it is not your fault?" God held me responsible for it. He still does. For He had tried to guide my steps, and I had chosen to do things my way. If you have any doubts please read Ezequiel 34.

This is one of the reasons I hesitate on going back to church. So much is done. So many activities to carry out. So many other projects to plan. And for me at least, it became a trap. A trap that took me away from my moving in step with God. I do not want to do it again.

I did not ask God "where are you in the midst of poverty? Why do you forsake Bolivia?" I did not ask these because I knew the answers. Bolivia is in deep poverty due to its idolatry and withcraft. But even more so, I believe Bolivia is deep in poverty because the church is not bringing light and justice into this nation. We do a lot of things. Congresses, seminars, concerts...more of the same...more of the same but bigger and more expensive...more of the same but in nicer hotels and bigger stadiums...
and some of that is needed and it is a blessing and it does help; but then we get too busy and we stop following the director of the orchestra. Suddenly, He is playing one tune. And everybody else is playing their own tune. And out of time. We do not hear Him when He says "instead of painting the churh building again, let us go out and feed the poor, I will show you how, and who." We do not hear Him when He says, you shoul pray asking for forgiveness for the nation, we are too busy programming a seminar. And then when chaos hits the city we do not hear Him say "go to the hospitals, hold people in my arms and tell them I am there", instead we gather...to pray. Totally of tune!

I was very angry with God. Like a wild animal I cried out MY questions:
Why God, why do you tolerate a sleeping church? Why do you allow us to wrap ourselves in a blanket of grace and to say "God will do His work in me...someday.?"
Why God, why did you open my eyes if you knew I would not be able to do anything? I am tired of only crying and praying for these people. I am tired of holding them in my arms as they die. A nation is dying in my own arms, and there is nothing I can do to awaken the church to see the need to sit down before you and just tune into your song. I speak and it is as if I speak chinesse, they do not understand!
I did not stop there, I raged on:
Father, I talk to them and all they do is point to the cross, and remind me of Grace. As if that would feed the poor, as if that would comfort the lonely, as if that would heal the sick, as if that would encourage the young ones to follow You wholeheartedly. I AM TIRED OF HEARING ON GRACE! Father! Why did you bring me to this place??? Why did you appoint me to wake up the church? It does not want to be awakened! Why did you not give me another task? Give me a tribe in Africa or something like that?

These were my questions.
God's answer was:
WHO IS THIS THAT OBSCURES DIVINE PLANS WITH WORDS OF IGNORANCE?

and 40 days of wrath,
plus 10 months of harsh discipline...
let me be honest...I still have some of them questions. BUT I have a little bit more light on the fact that the church is part of His Divine Plan...an awakend church is part of His Divine Plan.
A church that does not use grace to find a comfortable place to sleep, but a church that uses grace to turn back on sin and to shine in the midst of the darkest night in human history.
I also have a better understanding that God is God, and if He has appointed me with a mission it is best that I stop acting like a brat and just stop, and tune in with what He says.
And I also begin to visualize the fact that I have a great chance to succeed in my task, IF I tune in to God and do things His way. He will show me the WHO and the HOW...He knows the path.

I breath with joy at the thought that success is at my doorstep. I only have to tune in with God. A melody begins to ring in my heart. "He has a Divine Plan. Oh, wonderful plan, designed by the one I most love..."
May God give me GRACE to follow His tune!
Grace to move out of darkness.
Grace to move on...amazing grace, how sweet thy sound.
how sweet thy sound.